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Monday, January 24, 2011


Yesterday I lunched at my regular vegetarian spot. No news there. I dined alone with a book which I often enjoy, but today I found myself distracted by the other patrons. The restaurant was packed- tables of women from my neighborhood and nearby ones; where dads bring in above average incomes and the once "cute" moms workout and lunch with each other during the day before they pick up their tots from school. Upon entering, some greeted other women at nearby tables before sitting down at their own with their pod of other mom friends. I watched them size each other up for any signs that the other's husband is doing more successfully than their own. They seemed to dole out compliments to one another so that they would receive one (just as put-on) in return. I wonder the purpose of these women. To pop out kids who vote republican?

After, I venture to Barnes and Noble. I was speaking to my mom on the phone and as not to disturb others, I moved to the children's section. I was sitting on a one foot mushroom stool under a cardboard tree, speaking quietly, when I heard, "SSSHHSHHHH!!!" from across the 25,000 square foot room.


I got up to see who brought me back to the 2nd grade. Which hairy lipped teacher was reprimanding me? Mrs. McMullen? It was a middle-aged woman looking at me with utmost disdain. She was sitting by the window with her legs crossed. I'm not good with judging weight but it would be fair to assume that she had about thirty pounds to lose before she could walk without her thighs rubbing together causing sparks to fly. My mom has said to equate one pound of fat with a hamburger patty. She had at least thirty of those squeezed into her jeans, so thirty pounds is accurate enough. "You're so loud! I can hear everything that comes out your mouth!" "You're rude and fat. And I can see everything that goes into yours."

I know now why I never "shhhh" anyone. It's castrating. Not even in a movie theater when the lumps of clay behind me are chewing their popcorn like cows grazing on bananas do I make such an offense. Well, once, when the guy a few seats over seemed to be digging in his popcorn so loud and frequent that I could barely hear the movie. When I turned to him, he was looking back at me and jacking off into a bag- so that is a different story. Nevertheless, I was disappointed by my matching her affront with one of my own.

I returned to Barnes and Noble today and apparently, so did my karma. Because of a babbling, countrified chatterbox, I (again) moved to the children's section where there seemed to be fewer disturbances. In comes a little shit head who is screaming, throwing books on the ground and ripping them up. Being the bibliophile that I am, this pisses me off. I don't care if it's The Big Bad Wolf or Virginia Wolfe, I would be bothered the same. I am having visions of hurling the brat across the store and I realize that this kid will probably grow into the kind of adult where again, if appropriate, I would gladly hurl across the Milky Way. OK, I'll stop.

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